An ounce of tension can prevent pounds of manure

Published 10:15 am Thursday, December 3, 2015

I used to make and sell jewelry at trade shows or in consignment shops to people who said, “Hey, I like that necklace. What would you charge to make me one?” The financial return was not worth the labor investment, but I enjoyed it. So, I gave it up as a moneymaking endeavor, decided to keep it as a hobby, and put my big box of beads and other jewelry making tools in a box in a storage closet.

But who has time for hobbies?

It remained in disuse. And whenever I came across an errant bead, piece of ribbon, or anything I deemed too unimportant for which to designate a place, I tossed it in. This went on over the course of a year or so. Then the wife of a nephew particularly precious to me had his baby. She had admired one of my necklaces I was wearing, so I decided to make her one like it. I thought, “Hey, she went through pregnancy, labor and delivery. I’ll throw in a matching bracelet.”

But when I pulled out the box, there was this hideous form, a bundle resembling a beehive only with shiny spots and sharp edges weighing approximately two pounds in my box of wares. Though I am able to create such monstrous mess, I am unable to walk away from it once discovered until it is resolved, corrected or cleaned. After an entire morning, I had dislodged three completed necklaces, five bracelets, several strings of beads, a pair of scissors (hence the sharp edges), and enough cord, ribbon and wire if, stretched out and laid flat, would reach the state line in any direction.

As this was a mindless, though mind-numbing occupation, there was time to let the brain meander while the fingers labored. It reminded me of how we tend to do the same thing with the tiny issues in life. Either with the strictly personal or those involving others, if it is a minor matter, we tend to toss it into the storage closet in the back of our mind and go about our business. And like what I had done, it was a mistake, only of greater proportions.

If it is a matter of simple procrastination, you don’t need me to tell you to return the library book regardless of how embarrassed you are. Fold and put away the laundry as it is done before your entire family is clamoring for socks and blaming you — even if they know better than to say so out loud. But if it involves others — a mate, friend, relative or neighbor — it can be toxic.

Does your husband continue to take the last cup of coffee without starting another pot? Does your sister or best friend tell you tell you he or she will call you right back, then you don’t hear from them for a couple of days later? Perhaps a neighbor uses the surplus room in your trash receptacle for his own overflow without asking.

On the surface, these seem like trivial matters. On the grand scale of man’s inhumanity to man, they do rate very low. But they also make a statement. And the person making it probably has no intention or even any idea of making said statement. But it is there.

And that statement is, “I pay you no consideration.”

But why make trouble? We ask ourselves, sometimes even feeling superior for rising above the situation. No one wants to appear petty. And though they put a bee in your bonnet, they are minor infractions, not worth mentioning.

Actually, they are.

Because every empty pot when you were expecting another cup, every broken promise of a quickly returned phone call, every glance at another’s trash in your personal property (seriously, who wants to look at that?) is another piece of refuse on the pile building between you and the person committing the offense. It probably won’t end the relationship. That would be petty.

One of two things will probably happen. Eventually, when the time is right-or wrong-you will snap.

“Don’t you lie to me! You’re not going to call me right back! Your word means nothing!” or “Get out of my trash! Was your mama’s maiden name raccoon?”

Your best friend should most likely forgive you and even apologize. But a neighbor? There can be no coming back from that. They had been given no forewarning before being attacked and possibly humiliated. This could create bad feeling not only between the two of you but perhaps the entire neighborhood with people feeling they must take sides. Now, we have a divided community that could it could be argued, is ultimately your fault.

More likely you will continue to smile while you suffer in silence. And the mass of one mess with sharp edges between you continues to grow. As it does, it starts to obscure what could be beautiful and useful about your relationship. Spontaneous jokes that might have been made, laughter you might have shared, memories you might have made all get wrapped up in your quiet clutter of clutter of acrimony.

And you are not the only one who suffers needlessly. Are you really treating the other person fairly? Is this honest behavior? I know if I were doing something that was bothering a loved one, I would want to know so I could apologize and correct the behavior. And if they told me it had been bothering them for years, I’d probably say, “Well, that’s your fault. You should have said something.”

My remorse would decrease, if not disappear altogether. I may even be offended this person did not feel he or she could approach me with legitimate grievances. I am a reasonable person.

Address the matter in as friendly but direct a manner as possible in your own style so as not to seem insincere.

Personally, humor is my go to mechanism in nearly all situations. “Should I wait by the phone or do I have time to walk my dogs, clean my house and get a couple nights’ sleep first?” But that doesn’t always work. It is often taken as flippant or sarcastic; and it’s rarely appropriate. Sometimes a firm approach is necessary such as when the behavior is not only inconsiderate, it is in bad form.

A note secured to your garbage can that reads “Smith Family Only”, is not out of line. Or a good-natured request such as, “The next time you need the extra space in our garbage can, could you let us know first? That way I can send any last-minute bags of coffee grounds up there with you.” This brings us to the exception that proves the rule.

There are some people and situations one cannot change, even after trying every approach in one’s wheelhouse. So, if anyone out there knows a surefire way to get her husband to start another pot of coffee after taking the last cup, I would be grateful beyond measure to hear it.