It wasn’t long after the loss of her son that Michelle Tumlin started trying to bring the light back into her life. She knew that although her son was gone from her, he still lived in advocacy for mental health and struggling veterans.

“I think he’s looking down from heaven at his momma and saying ‘I’m so proud of you momma dearest, you’re doing good,’” said Michelle.

Now, she is working toward transitioning her 15-year-old business, Monkey Bizness, into a non-profit, named for her son, the Houston Project. All proceeds from merchandise sales and yearly events will go to struggling veterans in America.

Michelle will be the first one to say it, she has always run on this frequency: Hardworking, strong, to be loud and a mom that is incredibly proud of her children. When other people were deciding in school who they wanted to be, she just thought it didn’t matter, as long as she got to be a mom.

“I just wanted to be a mama. I just wanted to get married and I wanted to have children. That was it. All that other stuff I’ve done is just the little icing on the cake,” she said.

She believes God gave her the ability to not quit, be loud and have an even bigger personality. Even before the loss of Houston, she was always climbing toward her goals to help foster children with tenacity, joy and ambition.

“I’m going to tell the world about him. My personality has always been big, so I’m going to use it. It could never be taken – it’s who I am.”

It’s been a year since Michelle, her husband Craig and their daughter Hayden lost Houston to suicide.

Although seemingly planning for his future, toward the last few phone calls Michelle had with her son, he said “love can’t fix me.” If it could’ve, Michelle would have tried to glue together every broken piece that had chipped away from Houston over the years.

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In death, Houston was diagnosed with Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy after his brain was studied by Boston University. It took 11 months for them to return the information to Michelle and Craig.

Chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) is the term used to describe brain degeneration likely caused by repeated head traumas. CTE is a diagnosis made only at autopsy by studying sections of the brain, according to the Mayo Clinic.

Although, even before finding it officially, this was a diagnosis Michelle was in “no doubt of.” During Houston’s deployment in Korea she saw a segment on ESPN Sports about football player who suffered from symptoms and suicide from CTE. Most studied cases have included ex-athletes of American football, boxing and other contact sports.

After hearing ten symptoms that can include lack of impulse control, unpredictable mood swings, night terrors, depression and blinding headaches, she immediately knew and contacted Houston. He had played contact sports almost his whole life.

“They said if you have one of the ten symptoms you should reach out. Houston had all 10,” said Michelle.

She recounted the moment during their daily phone call that she told him what she had learned, she said he immediately said “mom, I’ve got all of that.”

Although Korea wasn’t an active war zone, Michelle said Houston still couldn’t escape the horrors and difficulties that often accompany military life. He witnessed multiple fellow soldiers take their own lives, and in one case was the first one to find someone.

“I said from the minute he died, I would be his voice on this earth, that I was going to shout it from the rooftops about PTSD, depression, CTE, alcoholism. I wanted to share his story and let people know there is help, they can get help. It was too late for him, he struggled for almost four years with things inside his head that he just couldn’t shake off,” said Michelle.

Despite challenges, he found a lot of passion and purpose in the military. He was a multi-decorated member of the army and received any training he possibly could in positions such as air assault and rescue diving.

Eventually, Houston was honorably discharged due to his mental health.

After returning home, he never really found his footing. After three different positions, no job felt satisfying to him. He missed the camaraderie and loved the structure the military had provided him. Michelle saw a deep sadness in him. Nothing felt like the perfect fit.

“He ended up getting a good job and was seemingly very happy, but honestly he never got over the fact he was no longer active military,” said Michelle.

She said Houston was not the person who you would look at and think he would die from suicide. Hours before his passing they had spoken about what they were going to wear at easter and food they’d have at an upcoming BBQ.

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She describes him with tears in her eyes and pride in her voice as a boy, and eventually a man, who lit up every room, never going anywhere without taking joy and laughter with him.

CTE essentially heightened every battle Houston faced. Impulse control and depression eventually contributed to alcoholism. There is currently no cure.

Through her optimism, Michelle still finds herself angry after people ask how Houston had PTSD if he never served in “real war” or suggested she should be ashamed that her son died by suicide.

“I haven’t been quiet about him from the minute I lost him, I’m not ashamed,” she said. “It’s a mental problem, I’m heartbroken we couldn’t get him the help he needed. I think God needed him more than we did.”

He had never stopped trying to get help. When she sifted through his belongings she found the last attempts for some sort of life preserver. He had been actively looking for Christian-based therapy and rehabs for PTSD, depression and alcoholism in the area.

“He was working toward the help he needed, he just couldn’t get it in time.”

Michelle believes it wasn’t her son actively choosing to die. The PTSD and CTE related impulsivity control issues essentially caused him to snap within a moment.

There are impulse controls hardwired into people that keep themselves from hurting themselves every day. If that becomes stripped away, it can be difficult to tell which way is the right path out of a hard situation.

Weekly family visits to attend church, drives into Birmingham just to sit together at dinner with his parents. Visits with his sick grandmother. Houston loved, and he loved hard. This is not a result of someone who didn’t love his family or felt unwanted.

“I did something right with my children because we are all so close. We love our babies. Plain and simple, that’s our story,” said Michelle.

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Now that CTE is being more widely understood the research has shifted from athletes to include veterans. CTE can only be diagnosed, as of now, in autopsies.

Department of Veterans Affairs, Boston University and the Concussion Legacy Foundation have been closely studying CTE since 2008, but CTE itself has been known about since the 1920s.

According to the Disabled American Veterans Organization, nearly 414,000 American military members were diagnosed with traumatic brain injuries from 2000-2019 in an article published August 2021.

As of August 2021 brain banks of the VA-BU-CLF research center had received over 1000 brain donations. 600 of those cases studied were diagnosed with CTE.

Michelle said alcohol was her son’s Kryptonite. “Most people will turn to some sort of substance abuse to take away that pain,” she said.

“When he would drink he would become very depressed and say he wasn’t good enough,” she said.

She’s adamant to buy other families more time. She wants Houston’s story, awareness and advocacy to be the reason a mom or a dad gets another day with their kids. She even hopes in some ways, this will help mend his sister Hayden’s loss too.

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Every time she runs her fingers over Houston’s words tattooed on her arm, he’s back. She doesn’t waste any part of what is left here from Houston. She’s constantly looking at the photos, replaying the videos.

“I’m so thankful I have so many photos and videos, people would always laugh because I was constantly taking pictures – I have canvas pictures all over the house — I’m so thankful that I did that because I have those to feel like he’s in every room we’re in – he’s still with us.”

Her effort to help people the way he wished is how she keeps him alive every day.

Houston shared with many that he dreamed of building a life for himself that would allow him to open a home for soldiers coming home from the military. He wanted to give them a place to live, find jobs they’d be comfortable with and help them adjust mentally to the world they’ve returned to with therapy, support and camaraderie.

“I have to do as much as I can while I’m on this earth to try to make those things happen.”

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Houston became the man she and her husband raised him to be. She said he was a star who was sympathetic and a protector. Even to strangers, she recounted when he pulled over with a “heart as big as Texas” and gave a man his jacket from the backseat.

“Honestly, I will say my children are the best and worst parts of me and their dad, we taught our kids to give, we love to give, it makes us feel good and we love to spend money, help people, have fun, sing and dance,” said Michelle.

Michelle said he always carried himself with a tough man exterior but would sing, dance and laugh on Tiktok. It makes a lot of sense he had a short-lived Hollywood career as a funny foul-mouthed little kid in the 2006 movie Talladega Nights.

“To know Houston, like really know Houston, the boy was a tiktok star, had a potty mouth, was crazy, could dance and sing and act stupid, but inside he was a teddy bear from the time he was born,” said Michelle.

“I can still look at the videos when I feel sad and laugh, because he was so funny,” Michelle said through tears.

“I share those videos to make me feel his presence, also to share him with the world. People that didn’t get to know him missed out on the brightest personality. It’s my way to keep him alive.”

As she gears up for the opening, she’s hopeful the community will show up for the Houston Project. Just as it always has in the past, supporting past merchandise sales and sending gifts in his honor.

The grand opening fell on the first anniversary of Houston’s death. His father, Craig, hoped the effort will take a bad day and make it really good.

“I’m never going to be the same, I’m never going to quit missing him. I’m excited to be able to help struggling veterans and also offer awareness to family members. I think it’s going to make my heart feel good when I lay down to go to sleep at night – that’s what my goal is – to do good things and be able to sleep peacefully at night,” said Michelle.