Don’t think that just because it’s green that it's fat free.

So here’s something we don’t often do and that’s answer emails we get over on Rated R Cocktails Facebook page. However, this week we have a reader with a dire problem that I think I can help out with. After all, it’s nice to be nice.

Dear JFL,

My friend and I have competed alot over the years however after out last cheese stuffed pork eating contest. She’s determined to lose weight. I know she’s going to beat me because she’s eating nothing but salads. Is there any way I can trick her and win yet again?

Chubbily yours,

Fatty in Fayette

This is a problem that hits close to home, being a fellow fatty I know that I can’t stand losing, and sometimes cheating is the only way out. Luckily, Fatty I have the answer. You see there are plenty of unhealthy salads out there. Why, one of my favorites will keep you coming back bowl after bowl, and it’s super easy. By the time she’s done she’ll be ten times fatter than you’ll ever be.

Iceberg Chef Salad

1 bag mixed iceberg lettuce

1/2 cup crushed pecans

5 strips thick cut bacon cooked and diced

4 hard boiled eggs chopped

1/2 cup grapefruit chili vinagrette.

Combine ingredients in a large steel bowl and toss with two forks to combine. Serve immediately making sure not to allow for excess dessing in the service bowls.

Grapefruit Chili Vinagrette

1/3 cup Grapefruit Juice

the juice of 1 lemon

1/2 cup white whine vinegar

1/4 cup grapeseed oil

2 dashes garam masala

salt and pepper to taste

Whisk together and serve.

The egg yolks combine wonderfully with the vinagrette and the bacon and crunchy pecans marry so well with the dressing. You’ll have to roll her out of your house! But just in case she realizes how fatty this salad is, here’s a cocktail to dull your arterial pain.

Leilani Sour

Ingredients

2 oz Bourbon (Four Roses, originally 1 ½ oz)

1 oz Orgeat Syrup

1 oz Lemon Juice

1 egg white (roughly a half oz)

Mist Angostura

Shake well with ice and strain into a sour glass before misting the top with angostura and serve.

If you’re mad and made it this far then please know the above was a joke. It was also a bit of a lesson. Don’t think that just because it’s green that it’s fat free. This fat man is always a proponent of flavorful fat. And a hearty laugh to go with it. Maybe next week we’ll find our manners. Until then: You get hammered, America!

Joey Schmidt, or ‘JFL,’ is a Certified Sommelier, Bar Menu Consultant, and local Culinary Graduate. He is also the Head Mixologist for 100.5 FM’s Richard Dixon Show and Rated R Cocktails. Listen for him most Tuesdays from 4 to 6 p.m., each Friday at 5:30 p.m. and visit his website at Ratedrcocktails.com