In our Americanized Christian society we have become desensitized. Sin and self centeredness has become the norm of the day, and we have begun to accept it. Slowly at first, but now it seems as though we have lost our conscience.

Because of that, we have become more transactional in how we deal with those around us. By transactional I mean we tend to think about what we have to do in order to achieve the goal we have set before us. What is it we have to sacrifice? How little of it can we get away with giving and how long will we have to do it? This may be a good business model, but it is destroying relationships everyday!

When humanity started out we quickly wound up in a transactional relationship with God. Sacrifices had to be made to atone for the people’s sins. Certain laws had to be followed daily in order to limit the sin that was accrued.

Transactional relationships create laws, and laws create legalism and legalism leads to rules in order to keep things “just right.” The relationship with God was cold and distant at best. It had more to do with acting just right instead of enjoying a relationship with God.

God was not satisfied with this kind of relationship with His people. He had created us for so much more than that. Something had to be done! So, he sent His son Jesus to live among us, suffer by us and die for us. Suddenly everything changed! No longer were we stuck in a transactional relationship with God; now we could be transformed and have a close intimate relationship with Him!

Transformation: meaning changed! A new nature, a new heart, a new way of perceiving ourselves and the world around us! The old is gone and the new has come! Wow!

We are truly made in the image of God. I have seen it first hand in my counseling office. A wife or a husband making the appointment because they are now just “going through the motions” of being husband and wife. She feels like a cook, a maid and a whore, and he feels like he is just a paycheck.

They now live in a transactional marriage. “If you let me do this, I will do that for you!” They are no longer led by love, but by the fear of not getting what they want. They may still love each other, but it has ceased to be their motivation for doing things for the other person. And slowly, inch by inch, they moved from a relationship that changed them to one they are just afraid to lose. Eventually they won’t even fear that and they will let it go.

How do you get back to living a transformed relationship with your spouse? Here are a few steps to get you started:

Forgive- Daily choose not to hold on to what they or others have done to you in the past. Refuse to think about it and choose to move forward. (Matthew 16:5)

Renew Your Mind- Dwell on good things. Even if you can only find one, that is what you think about when you think of your spouse! (Romans 12:2)

Love Unconditionally- Give good things to your spouse expecting nothing in return. (1 Corinthians 13:1-13)

These three steps are simple but very difficult! They will take more than your will power to achieve; they will make you rely on a source that is greater than you, God!

The step before these three steps is this: stop living a transactional relationship with God! You have been redeemed; you have been transformed! Enjoy that relationship instead of fearing it! When you begin to understand and live that out it will make it a lot easier to live it out with those around you!

We are no longer a people of transaction, but of transformation! We were created for better than we are living and a great price was paid for us to have it back. So, start living it! That is what God intended all along!



-Johnny Walker is a Christian Counselor and the founder of Family Works Counseling.